23.

Sometimes I find it hard to start posts. How do I gracefully spill my thoughts onto a massive black space which is open for all who stumble across it to read for their enjoyment, or lack thereof?

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There are some novels that I read that shake my existence. There is some truth that breaks into my onion layers of a person that I have become and I realize that I must change. I am too complacent.

This last book I read made me realize that perhaps I am too safe.  No risks. Safe in my bubble occasionally poking out my head.

Then, every once in a while, I jump feet first in without thinking. Like when I moved out. Frightening, stressful, yet slowly freeing.

This coming year I have promised myself to start taking risks. My life has suffered because I have not taken them. I don't regret that. I don't ask 'what if' because that's not who I was. But I will slowly change staying true, if not to myself, to God, to Jesus.

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The older I get, I find myself wishing that I had more friends I could talk to about my faith. I feel the numbers dropping. It hurts that I feel like I have no one to discuss my fears and doubts and joys and prayers and praise with face-to-face. I feel like shouting "Just talk and cry about this whole faith thing with me. Let me see where you are. Help me understand where you are. How can I help you and encourage you and pray for you; I want to do this for you." I am learning to pray again and lean on Him and discover His goodness. It just is slow going alone when I am shy and talk freely with so few as it is.

One friend surprised me a fews weeks back. She talked about Jesus and church so casually within the conversation like this was the most natural thing in the world or even between us. This would be one of the first time's. I always called her a 'casual Christian' in my mind because she occasionally would mention church and church small groups and nothing else. It caught me off guard; I wonder what happened in the last 6 months since I last saw her. Even so, I loved it.

A co-worker and I talked of a mutual friend and faith. I had no idea I had been craving talks likeb this and the one mentioned above. I felt nervous both times; it felt though I was out off practice. But wanting so badly to muscle back up so I can join practice and play the game.

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Maybe I don't hate people so much as this broken and sin-filled world that they have allowed to numb their hole. Sometimes I just see the person and forget that I look like that too.