22.

Where do I start; it's been so long (again). It's just about 1 am as I start writing this.

I have no idea which direction my life is going from here as much as I did when I was in high school. I have always felt directionless. Maybe it's because I am so apathetic to this world I've grown up in. I cannot fathom real events happening across the globe because I can't relate to that level of what it is. I feel like I abandon all my friends because it's easier then becoming attached and losing them or just from sheer laziness. The little, young me would laugh at this me and say "what a boring life I will never become like that" in one breath. But directionless.

Two months ago I was so hurt and sad and emotional that I wrote, what in my mind is, a completely disgusting piece of poetry. I can't even open the book I wrote it in, it sickens me. Because I can taste all those horrible thoughts dancing on my tongue.

I really don't have any idea where I'm going with this post. I think I'm mostly over tired from working so much lately that my body is just letting me do what I want so it can completely shut down later. Exhaustion.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about everything like old times with you. Boys and family and friends and work and God. But only a few of those things ever show up. And maybe I find a hole growing in my heart a little.

Perhaps I am just lonely. I think I need some friends over to stay for a long time when my roommate goes home for Christmas later this week.

It would be nice to shed this skin and walk new under a different sun.