23.

Sometimes I find it hard to start posts. How do I gracefully spill my thoughts onto a massive black space which is open for all who stumble across it to read for their enjoyment, or lack thereof?

~~~

There are some novels that I read that shake my existence. There is some truth that breaks into my onion layers of a person that I have become and I realize that I must change. I am too complacent.

This last book I read made me realize that perhaps I am too safe.  No risks. Safe in my bubble occasionally poking out my head.

Then, every once in a while, I jump feet first in without thinking. Like when I moved out. Frightening, stressful, yet slowly freeing.

This coming year I have promised myself to start taking risks. My life has suffered because I have not taken them. I don't regret that. I don't ask 'what if' because that's not who I was. But I will slowly change staying true, if not to myself, to God, to Jesus.

~~~

The older I get, I find myself wishing that I had more friends I could talk to about my faith. I feel the numbers dropping. It hurts that I feel like I have no one to discuss my fears and doubts and joys and prayers and praise with face-to-face. I feel like shouting "Just talk and cry about this whole faith thing with me. Let me see where you are. Help me understand where you are. How can I help you and encourage you and pray for you; I want to do this for you." I am learning to pray again and lean on Him and discover His goodness. It just is slow going alone when I am shy and talk freely with so few as it is.

One friend surprised me a fews weeks back. She talked about Jesus and church so casually within the conversation like this was the most natural thing in the world or even between us. This would be one of the first time's. I always called her a 'casual Christian' in my mind because she occasionally would mention church and church small groups and nothing else. It caught me off guard; I wonder what happened in the last 6 months since I last saw her. Even so, I loved it.

A co-worker and I talked of a mutual friend and faith. I had no idea I had been craving talks likeb this and the one mentioned above. I felt nervous both times; it felt though I was out off practice. But wanting so badly to muscle back up so I can join practice and play the game.

~~~

Maybe I don't hate people so much as this broken and sin-filled world that they have allowed to numb their hole. Sometimes I just see the person and forget that I look like that too.

22.

Where do I start; it's been so long (again). It's just about 1 am as I start writing this.

I have no idea which direction my life is going from here as much as I did when I was in high school. I have always felt directionless. Maybe it's because I am so apathetic to this world I've grown up in. I cannot fathom real events happening across the globe because I can't relate to that level of what it is. I feel like I abandon all my friends because it's easier then becoming attached and losing them or just from sheer laziness. The little, young me would laugh at this me and say "what a boring life I will never become like that" in one breath. But directionless.

Two months ago I was so hurt and sad and emotional that I wrote, what in my mind is, a completely disgusting piece of poetry. I can't even open the book I wrote it in, it sickens me. Because I can taste all those horrible thoughts dancing on my tongue.

I really don't have any idea where I'm going with this post. I think I'm mostly over tired from working so much lately that my body is just letting me do what I want so it can completely shut down later. Exhaustion.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about everything like old times with you. Boys and family and friends and work and God. But only a few of those things ever show up. And maybe I find a hole growing in my heart a little.

Perhaps I am just lonely. I think I need some friends over to stay for a long time when my roommate goes home for Christmas later this week.

It would be nice to shed this skin and walk new under a different sun.

21.

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've given a proper update. I looked back through my few posts and looks like the last update was posted just about... 3 months shy of two years ago. So here we go.

School has been over for over a year now. I graduated from university in May of 2012 with a BA in English Literature and a double minor of Music and Religion. The thing I miss most is having easy access to an array of knowledge and knowledgeable people. Aside from the essays and exams I never thought I'd actually miss school!

That kind of transitions into work. I quit my job at the grocery store but I'm still working retail. I'm working at a Christian book store which has been a nice change from the last job. What I don't like so much is the long drive (especially in the winter!), no benefits, and upselling (I know its a business and needs money but I feel like a jerk doing it sometimes). I'm not sure how long I'll stay there for. I do need benefits and something that pays a bit better for when I move out and get a new car (my insurance will probably go up a bit).

Ah yes my car. It is getting to be old in car years. The cv boots are almost done for (and the mechanic said it would better to just get a new car and save myself the repair) and the sunroof has been super leaky this year. Fantastic.

The band is doing great. We are almost ready to record. Actually we were ready but summer caught up to us and the singer went to Europe. And I think within the time she comes back we leave for our trip. Then its back to business when we get back. We still need to find a bassist, that's our biggest blip. Even if we find someone who can just play shows.

Hmhmhm. I think that's all I'll say for now. Later!

20. A Princess & A Dinosaur

The princess looked over at the little dinosaur beside her. "What are you thinking?"

The little dinosaur made no effort to look at the princess. It stared straight ahead.

"Princess, I am lonely."

19. Face On the Floor

18.

This past week has been pretty bad, stressful, liberating, nauseating, and everything else.

I'll be glad when this week is over too.

I'm secretly excited for Sunday. I don't have a good reason to be but if that something does happen I will need to remember to do what I should have done a year ago. And if it doesn't, then it's time to let it go once and for all and move on, even if it's painful at first.

But for now, for the next week, I'll keep holding on. And let this get me through.

17.

This has been a bad week. Sunday come sooner. Please?

16. According to You

Jennifer Batten and Orianthi are my guitar heroes. Enough said.

15. How Long Must I Wait

Haha, if this is a test, can I fail? :(

14. Tale of Tissues, Bones, Souls

There are time that I just want to pour my heart out to someone, let it gush completely out, so there is not a secret left scarred into these bones.

I just want someone to listen to my side of the story; even my heartbreaks and failings and hurts.

I don't want to feel alone on this planet.


I feel closer when the music rushes through my soul.